"even when tears will fall down like rain,
never give up."
No matter how hard it seems
It's time to put on another smile
living beyond yourself for today
living for more than just me everyday
living for the Truth and nothing's gonna change that
++// mavis
++// 19
++// 17 aug 1988
++// poly yr 3 cum nie student, chinese teacher to be
Sunday, July 16, 2006
= I will not backslide =
I am getting better... really. By the grace of God.. the prayers.. I've felt all of them.. never missed out anyone. And I really want to promise you, fen.. i will not backslide. Mali.. I will not backslide.
*flashback* something similar happened back then in early december, on a certain night. with the old cg members, at orchard. I felt nothing but grieve, wanting to seek for something that would erase this grief, but to no avail. I wanted to run away from reality, feeling helpless. but all i can see was stangers all around me, looking at me with strange glares that you wont cast on someone. i was alone at the bus stop. why do i feel all these? God! I know You are there.. but.. I just help helpless and infirm..and insecure... felt..like...shivering.
why dont they come soon? why they dont stop my tears? why they took so long to come? where are they!!! this was the os of my heart then.. the same questions reminding me.. going in rounds in my mind. i then realise, mavis.. you can cry now.
i cried.. as if no one will see this side of me. my longest cry ever. its not just an emotional thing. i cried. orchard to home. i cried. back home i cried. filled with disappointment, i cried. "why cant you just..be there for me once" ? -- i was blaming him. he tried to comfort me as a spiritual brother. i thought it was resolved.. then.
after 6moths... the unresolved came back. the insecure, came back.
i am glad and thankful for sensitive members like pheng and mali. i thank God for them with whichever i can really be thankful for.
peng, i cant bring myself to backslide. i cant imagine hurting God, and hurting this cell.
i pray, for a heart close to God. which will be able to unleash my burdens for him.
leonard, im burden for u. nash, im burden for u. mabel.. i am very burden for u.. very.
e405, i love every single one of you. like jen, i am willing to lay my life for u all.
lastly, my family.. which i am greatly burden for. walking in sin and unrighteousness. i cant help to worry.
at the end of the day... God this is tough. but when the troubled seas gets tough, the tough gets going. I am glad, that Lord, You showed me the beautiful creation of this world. the most beautiful creation You could ever created.. Man.
likeness in Your own image. let not my heart be grieved, but trust You with all i am. all i want is Dada..Abba.